Have you ever tried to explain your taste in music to someone? You might say you love indie rock, but then you also adore a few alternative metal songs, and that’s not even touching on your secret passion for 80s pop. Human attraction works similarly as it's complex, nuanced and doesn't always fit neatly into the categories we've been given. Yet somehow, when it comes to sexuality and attraction, we often feel pressure to pick a box and stay in it forever, as if sexual orientation comes with the same terrifying permanence as a face tattoo.

I've found that understanding sexual orientation and attraction is less about finding the perfect label and more about honoring the beautiful complexity of how we connect with others. You may be someone who finds labels helpful for understanding yourself or you may be someone who feels like no label quite captures your experience. Either way, you're valid exactly as you are. No fluff!

Beyond the binary: a richer understanding

Most of us started with education on what seemed like a simple atlas of attraction and orientation: straight, gay and bi-sexual. Three major paths that supposedly explained everyone's experience. But the landscape of human connection has always been more elaborate than that basic grid suggested. As we grow in self-awareness and empathy for others, we discover the terrain is actually full of winding trails, hidden valleys and places that don't appear on any map at all.

Sexual orientation encompasses who we're attracted to, but it's not just about gender. It includes:

Romantic attraction: who we want to form romantic relationships with. The people who make us want to build emotional intimacy, share our lives and futures together, and engage in all those connective, loving experiences. Think deep conversations, shared goals and creating meaningful memories together.

Sexual attraction: who we're physically drawn to and desire. There's a distinct pull of physical wanting and arousal that can surface without warning. It might be triggered by someone's charisma, the way they carry themselves, or an inexplicable magnetic pull toward their essence.

Emotional attraction: who we connect with on a deep emotional level. To me they are those special humans who truly understand our inner world, accept our authentic selves without judgment and create that rare sense of being genuinely seen and understood for who we really are.

These different types of attraction don't always align perfectly, and that's completely normal.

I've found it helpful to think of attraction as existing on multiple spectrums rather than in fixed categories. Just like you might prefer certain types of music but still enjoy variety, your attractions might have patterns and preferences while still including some surprises.

The beautiful variety of human attraction

Let's talk about some of the ways people experience attraction, keeping in mind that these are just some of the possibilities, not an exhaustive list. And remember, these are some simple descriptions, not prescriptions. You don't need to find yourself perfectly in any of these categories.

Heterosexual/straight folk are primarily attracted to people of a different gender than their own. But even within this, there's variety. Some straight people might occasionally find someone of the same gender attractive, while others never do. This particular flavour of sexuality is often labelled as “heteroflexible”.

Homosexual/gay/lesbian individuals are primarily attracted to people of the same gender. Again, this can look different for different people, some have never felt attraction to other genders, while others have had attractions or relationships across gender lines.

Bisexual people experience attraction to more than one gender. This doesn't necessarily mean equal attraction to all genders, or that the attraction feels the same across genders. Some bisexual people have preferences or find their attractions shift over time, which can be particularly confusing when trying to explain your dating history to well-meaning relatives.

Pansexual individuals are attracted to people regardless of gender. They might describe themselves as being attracted to people based on personality, connection, energy or other factors beyond gender identity.

Asexual people experience little to no sexual attraction, though they may still experience romantic attraction. Within asexuality, there's a whole spectrum, some asexual people never feel sexual attraction, others feel it rarely or only under specific circumstances.

Demisexual folks typically only experience sexual attraction after forming a strong emotional bond with someone. This isn't about preferring to know someone well before having sex, it's about literally not feeling sexual attraction until that deep connection exists.

There are many other identities and experiences that don't fit neatly into these categories. The point isn't to memorise every possible label, but to understand that human attraction is wonderfully diverse.

The fluid nature of attraction

What I have learnt over my years personally exploring the realm of sexuality and psychology, is that for many people, attraction isn't static. Sexual orientation can be fluid which means it may shift and change over time, sometimes in small ways, sometimes dramatically. This doesn't mean people are confused or going through phases (though phases are also valid!). It means human sexuality is complex and can evolve.

Some people notice their attractions changing after major life events, during different periods of personal growth or for no obvious reason at all. Others find their sexuality remains fairly consistent throughout their lives. Both experiences are normal, though those who have a more consistent experience do get to avoid some awkward coming-out conversations.

Something I find intriguing is that sexuality can be incredibly contextual. For instance, someone might identify as straight but find themselves enjoying sexual connection with someone of the same gender in certain situations, like in a threesome with their partner. They might discover attraction or connection they hadn't experienced in one-on-one contexts. This doesn't necessarily change their overall orientation or require new labels; it's simply the beautiful, complex nature of human sexuality showing up in unexpected ways.

This kind of situational fluidity happens more often than people talk about. Sexual attraction and connection can emerge in contexts where we least expect them, influenced by the specific chemistry between people, the environment or even the unique combination of personalities involved. It doesn't need to be analysed, categorised or explained, because sometimes attraction just is what it is in that moment.

This fluidity can be confusing, especially if you've been thinking of sexual orientation as something fixed and unchanging. It can raise questions like "What if I'm wrong about who I am?" or "How do I explain this to my partner?". I personally find it helpful to think of sexual orientation as a description of how you broadly experience attraction during this stage of your life, rather than how you must feel in every moment, or a binding contract with the universe about your future desires.

Our professional experience

In our work as escorts, Axel and I have had the privilege of creating safe spaces for people to explore aspects of their sexuality that they might not feel comfortable investigating elsewhere. One thing we've noticed is how often clients come to us who identify as "straight" but sense there might be an underlying attraction (of varying degrees) to the same gender that they've never had the opportunity to explore safely.

These clients often carry years of curiosity, sometimes mixed with uncertainty or even shame about these feelings. They might have had fleeting attractions or fantasies but never felt they had a safe container to explore what those feelings might mean for them. Creating that container, a space of non-judgment, clear communication and gentle exploration is something we're deeply passionate about.

We've learned that sexuality can be incredibly nuanced and that attraction doesn't always fit the neat categories we've been given. Someone might feel completely straight in their day-to-day life but discover that in the right context, with the right people and energy, they're open to experiences they never imagined enjoying. This doesn't invalidate their primary identity, it simply adds richness to their understanding of themselves.

Our approach centers around communication, flow and gentle exploration. We believe that sexual discovery should never feel pressured or rushed as that can feel overwhelming. Instead, we create an atmosphere where curiosity can unfold naturally and where someone can explore new sensations or connections without having to immediately categorise or label the experience.

What we find most beautiful about this work is witnessing the relief and joy that comes when someone realises they can explore these parts of themselves without judgment. Whether that exploration confirms something they've long suspected about themselves or simply satisfies a curiosity they've carried, it's always an honor to hold space for these moments of personal discovery.

The spectrum of sexual orientation isn't just theoretical, it's something we see lived out in real time as people give themselves permission to explore the beautiful complexity of human attraction and connection.

Attraction vs behavior vs identity

Something I have seen many people confused by is that sexual attraction, sexual behavior and sexual identity don't always match up perfectly (and that's okay!). It's similar to how your streaming history doesn't necessarily reflect your actual taste in movies. Sometimes you watch things for reasons that have nothing to do with genuine preference and it’s more out of the curiosity of trying something new.

You might be attracted primarily to one gender but choose to date people of various genders. You might identify as straight but have had same-gender experiences. You might be attracted to multiple genders but only pursue relationships with one. You may be in a long-term relationship with someone of one gender while still being attracted to other genders. How glorious is it to know that whatever feels in alignment with you and your values, is actually okay!

None of these scenarios make your identity invalid or your attractions fake. Human sexuality is complex, and our lives don't always perfectly align with our attractions or identities.

The beauty of sexual diversity

What I find really beautiful about understanding the spectrum of sexual orientation is how it reveals the incredible diversity of human connection and attraction. We could limit ourselves to narrow categories, but recognising this spectrum opens up possibilities for more authentic relationships and deeper self-understanding. What a vibe.

Every person's experience of attraction is unique, even when they share similar orientations. The gay person who knew from childhood and the gay person who came out later in life both have valid experiences. The bisexual person who's dated all genders and the bisexual person who's only had relationships with one gender are both authentically bisexual.

This diversity is evidence of the rich complexity of human sexuality and connection. We are not simple creatures.

The question of labels: helpful tools or limiting boxes?

In my opinion, labels can be incredibly helpful for some people and completely unnecessary for others and both approaches are valid. Some people organise their music into carefully curated playlists and other people just hit shuffle on everything they've ever downloaded. It’s really just your own personal preference!

For many people, finding a label that resonates feels like coming home. It provides language for their experience, helps them find community with others who share similar attractions and offers a way to communicate their identity to partners and friends. Labels can be especially important for people whose experiences have been marginalised or misunderstood. For them, having words to describe who you are can be deeply validating and empowering.

On the flipside, I've also met people who feel constrained or confused by labels. Maybe their attractions don't fit neatly into any category, or they feel like their sexuality is too fluid to pin down with words. Some people prefer to simply describe their attractions without using specific identity terms, which is perfectly okay and saves time at parties when people ask intrusive questions.

Both approaches are completely healthy. You get to decide whether labels serve you or not. You can use them when they're helpful and ignore them when they're not. You can try on different labels as you learn more about yourself or you can skip them entirely and just live your life. It’s a revolutionary concept, really.

Supporting others (and yourself) on the journey

Whether you're figuring out your own orientation or supporting someone else in their exploration, I feel that curiosity and patience are key. Sexual identity can take time to understand, and it's okay not to have all the answers immediately.

If somebody shares their orientation with you, the best response is usually something like "Thank you for trusting me with that" or "What would be helpful for me to know about supporting you?". Rather than asking intrusive questions or making assumptions, follow their lead about what they want to share and discuss.

If you're exploring your own sexuality, please be patient with yourself. You don't have to figure everything out at once, and you don't have to commit to any particular identity forever. Your understanding of yourself can evolve as you grow and learn!

Moving forward with compassion

As our understanding of sexual orientation continues to evolve, I think the most important thing we can do is approach ourselves and others with compassion and curiosity. You may have a clear sense of your orientation, or maybe you're still exploring. Regardless of whether your sexuality has been consistent or has changed over time, you may find labels helpful or prefer to go without them.

What matters most isn't finding the perfect category or label, but understanding yourself well enough to create authentic, satisfying relationships and connections. It's about honoring your attractions while treating others with respect and kindness, regardless of how their experiences of sexuality might differ from yours.

The spectrum of sexual orientation isn't something to be confused by, it's something to be celebrated! It reflects the beautiful reality that humans are complex, diverse beings capable of many different types of connection and love. And in a world that often tries to reduce us to simple categories, embracing this complexity feels like a radical act of self-acceptance and love, which I personally feel is one of the best kinds of revolution there is.