Jealousy is one of the most uncomfortable emotions we can find ourselves experiencing with people close to us. It tends to be a sharp, burning feeling that can rise up out of nowhere and make us feel like we're losing our sense of ourselves. It can transform us from confident, secure people into anxious, possessive versions of ourselves who end up overanalyzing every interaction.

I've found many of us feel that jealousy is one of those feelings we're supposed to pretend we don't have. We're told that secure, evolved people don't get jealous and that it's a sign of immaturity or insecurity. But what I've discovered throughout my own life journey is that jealousy is actually a completely normal human emotion and learning to process it healthily can actually strengthen our relationships rather than destroy them.

What jealousy really is

Jealousy often gets a bad rap because we confuse the emotion itself with the behaviors that sometimes result from it. But jealousy, at its core, is information. It's our nervous system's way of alerting us to perceived threats to something we value, which is usually our connection with someone we care about.

It can show up in all kinds of relationships and situations and not just romantic partnerships. We might feel jealous of a friend's other friendships, envious of a colleague's success or triggered by our partner's connections with other people. Understanding that jealousy is fundamentally about fear of loss or threat to connection helps us approach it with more compassion to ourselves and the experience.

I've found it helpful to think of jealousy as an alarm system. Sometimes it's alerting us to genuine concerns that deserve attention, and sometimes it's a false alarm triggered by our own insecurities.

Real concerns might look like:

• Your partner starts having secretive conversations with someone new at work

• A close friend begins spending significantly more time with someone else and consistently leaves you "on read"

• You discover patterns of behavior that genuinely cross agreed-upon boundaries

False alarms might feel like:

• Feeling threatened by your partner's friendly conversation with the cute grocery store cashier

• That burning sensation in your face when your friend laughs at someone else's joke or spends time with their other friends without you

• Assuming something inappropriate is going on when your partner mentions a particular coworker's name

The key is learning to listen to the information jealousy provides without immediately acting on the intensity of the emotion. Both types of jealousy feel equally urgent in the moment, but they require very different responses. One calls for honest conversation about boundaries and needs, the other calls for self-soothing and examining our own triggers.

Why we're so ashamed of jealousy

One thing I've noticed is how much shame we can carry around feeling jealous. We may think it means we're needy, controlling, or not evolved enough and there is something really wrong with us. I have found that we judge ourselves harshly for having these feelings and often try to suppress them rather than understand them.

This shame often makes jealousy worse. When we're ashamed of feeling jealous, we're more likely to act out in ways that actually are problematic. We could become controlling, accusatory, or withdraw completely from the person we care about because of the intensity of the feeling. The shame of this creates a secondary layer of distress on top of the jealousy.

I've learned that approaching this feeling with curiosity rather than judgment is much more helpful. Instead of "I shouldn't feel this way," I try to think "I'm feeling jealous right now, I wonder what it is trying to tell me?" This shift from judgment to curiosity creates space for understanding and healthy processing. Everyone benefits from this!

Jealousy in our professional experience

Axel and I often work with couples who book sessions together, and while it is quite uncommon, feelings of jealousy or other complex emotions may sometimes surface during an intimate session of this nature.

When we're exploring intimacy with our partner in the presence of others, it's completely natural that these various feelings may potentially emerge. These responses are part of being human and there's absolutely nothing to feel ashamed about. Jealousy, if it comes up, doesn't indicate weakness or inadequacy, it's simply information about our emotional landscape that deserves gentle attention and reassurance.

Our approach is always to create space for whatever comes up. We understand that vulnerability in intimate settings can sometimes bring unexpected emotions to the surface, and we're experienced in holding space for these moments with patience and understanding. If feelings arise during a session, we can pause, process, and move forward in whatever way feels most supportive and safe for everyone involved.

What matters most is that both partners feel safe, heard, and respected throughout the experience with us. We're here to support your journey together, including navigating any emotions that may arise along the way.

The physiology of jealousy

Understanding what happens in our bodies when we feel jealous can be really helpful for processing it healthily. Jealousy triggers our nervous system's threat response. Our heart rate increases, stress hormones flood our system, and our thinking becomes more reactive and less rational.

This is why trying to "logic" our way out of jealousy in the moment rarely works. When our nervous system is activated, we need to address the physiological response first before we can think clearly about the situation.

I've personally found that simple grounding techniques can be incredibly helpful when jealousy arises. Deep breathing, feeling your feet on the ground, or even just naming what you're experiencing like "I'm feeling really jealous right now, and my heart is racing but I am safe" can help regulate your nervous system and create space for more thoughtful responses. Co-regulating with reassurance from a safe person is also a wonderful tool too.

Different types of jealousy

Not all jealousy is the same, and I've found it helpful to distinguish between different types because in my opinion, they require different approaches.

Reactive jealousy happens in response to actual behaviors or situations. Your partner flirts with someone else, or you discover they've been having private conversations with an ex without you knowing. This type of jealousy often contains important information about boundaries and needs attention through communication.

Cognitive jealousy is more about our thoughts and interpretations. Maybe your partner is friendly with a coworker, and you start imagining scenarios that may or may not be happening. This type often requires examining our own thoughts and assumptions rather than reactively pointing the finger.

Suspicious jealousy involves actively looking for evidence of threats that may not exist like checking phones, monitoring activities, or interpreting neutral behaviors as threatening. This type usually stems from past pain, trauma or attachment wounds and often benefits from deeper healing work with a therapist. (If you need any recommendations for someone who might be able to support you in this work, please get in touch and I will pop you through some great recommendations.)

Understanding which type you're experiencing can help you respond more appropriately rather than treating all jealousy the same way as doing so can leave us feeling very overwhelmed.

Communicating about jealousy

One of the biggest challenges with jealousy is how to communicate about it without sounding accusatory or controlling. I've found that using "I" statements and focusing on your own experience rather than your partner's behavior is nearly always the best way to have a healthy dialogue.

Here are two examples I think are helpful in understanding.

Example 1- Instead of saying "You were flirting with that person," you could say "I felt jealous when I saw you laughing with that person, and I'm trying to understand what I need right now and why I am feeling upset about this."

Example 2- Instead of saying "You always ignore me when you're spending time with Ash" try saying "I'm feeling insecure about our connection for some reason and would love some reassurance."

The goal isn't to destroy your partner or friends interactions with others or to control their behavior, as that isn’t healthy for either of you. It's to share your internal experience in a way that invites connection and understanding rather than defensiveness.

When jealousy points to real issues

Sometimes jealousy is alerting us to genuine problems in our relationships and friendships that need attention. Maybe boundaries have been crossed, trust has been broken, important needs aren't being met or something isn’t genuinely in alignment for you. In these cases, jealousy is serving its purpose as an alarm system, which is great!

I've learned to pay attention to patterns myself. If I'm consistently feeling jealous about the same types of situations or behaviors, it might be worth examining whether there are legitimate issues that need to be addressed through communication or even professional support like a therapist.

The key is distinguishing between jealousy that's primarily about our own fears and insecurities versus jealousy that's highlighting actual relationship or friendship dynamics that need to be looked at more closely.

Healing old wounds that feed jealousy

Sometimes our jealousy is less about current situations and more about our old wounds that haven't fully healed. Past experiences of betrayal, abandonment or rejection can make us hypervigilant to threats that may not actually exist in our current relationships and connections. Our brain is simply trying to keep us safe!

I've learned that this type of jealousy often requires deeper work which requires developing skills to understand our attachment patterns, healing from past hurts, and developing more security within ourselves. This doesn't mean our feelings aren't valid, but it does mean they might need a different kind of attention rather than just “talking it out”.

Working with a therapist who understands attachment and relationship dynamics can be incredibly helpful for this deeper healing work. Although scary to start with, I have personally undertaken this work and it has allowed me to now come from a more secure, liberated and confident place within myself.

Building security from within

While healthy relationships can contribute heavily to our sense of security, I've found that the most sustainable way to manage jealousy is to build security from within. This means developing a strong sense of self-worth that doesn't depend entirely on external validation or control over others peoples behaviors.

This internal security comes from knowing we can handle difficult emotions, trust our own perceptions, communicate our needs effectively, and recover from relationship challenges. When we feel secure in our own worth and resilience, jealousy becomes more manageable because we're not operating from a place of fundamental threat all the time.

Building security from within is one of the most valuable skills you can develop in life. Here are practical ways I have personally found useful to strengthen my internal foundation:

Developing self-worth independent of others: Identify your own values, strengths, accomplishments and passions that exist regardless of your connections. I recommend keeping a record of challenges you've overcome and moments of resilience. This creates a stable identity that doesn't fluctuate based on how others treat you.

Building emotional resilience: Practice sitting with uncomfortable emotions without immediately trying to escape them. When jealousy or insecurity arises you can notice the sensations and thoughts without judgment and try to be curious about them.

Strengthening your relationship with yourself: Treat yourself with the same kindness you'd show someone you love. Notice your inner critic and respond to difficulty with curiosity rather than harsh judgment. Regular self-care that genuinely nourishes you will remind you that you're worth caring for too. Dinner dates, movies, baths, nature walks, massages or whatever fills your cup.

Developing secure communication: Practice expressing your needs and boundaries clearly without people pleasing or becoming defensive. The more confident you become in advocating for yourself, the less you'll need to control other people's behavior to feel safe. This can take time and work, but it is SO very worth it.

The more safe you feel internally, the more authentically you can show up in your connections. This is integral to healthy relationships, not only with others but also with yourself.

Creating safety for processing jealousy

In personal relationships or professional settings like ours, creating safety for people to experience and process jealousy is crucial if it comes up. This means responding to jealousy with compassion rather than dismissal, slowing down when someone is triggered, and prioritizing emotional safety over any other agenda.

In our work with couples and in our own lives, we've learned that how we respond to jealousy in the moment can either help someone feel safe and supported or make them feel ashamed and more triggered. Taking time to acknowledge the feeling, understand what's needed, and ensure everyone feels emotionally regulated is always more important than continuing with any planned activities and is our highest priority to ensure you have the most fulfilling time with us.

The gift of processed jealousy

Something beautiful I've discovered in my journey is that when jealousy is processed healthily, (meaning it’s acknowledged, understood, communicated about, and worked through) it usually leads to deeper intimacy and connection. It can help us understand ourselves and the people we love better, clarify what we value most in our relationships and friendships, and create stronger foundations of trust and security with these people.

Jealousy processed well becomes information about our attachment needs, our relationship values, and our areas for growth! It can really motivate us to improve our communication and develop greater emotional resilience. What a gorgeous gift to give to ourselves and the world!

Moving forward with compassion

If you experience jealousy, and 99.9% of us do, please be gentle with yourself. It truly doesn't mean you're broken, needy, or not evolved enough. It means you're human, you care deeply about your connections with others, and your nervous system is trying to protect something valuable to you.

The goal isn't to never feel jealous again, it's to develop the skills to process jealousy in ways that strengthen rather than damage your connections. It's learning to listen to the information jealousy provides while responding thoughtfully rather than reactively.

I feel it’s important to remember that feeling jealous doesn't make you a bad partner or friend and needing support when you're triggered doesn't make you weak or a burden. We all have vulnerable spots and areas where we need extra care and understanding. The most loving thing we can do for ourselves and our partners is to approach these tender places with curiosity, compassion, and commitment to growing in healthy ways.